two deep breaths (draft 4)

followed by the first real d e e  p   b     r        e             a                     t                                  h

pulling onto two pant-legs like the opposites of ripcords that will flexion the parachute you folded yourself,

but maybe not skillfully,

mostly through             browser tabs.

here’s to the creepy guys who square their hips towards the middle of rooms and bark about how the best defense is a good offense, for all the wrong reasons what they’re saying is true, and here’s to the trivial sounds that i hear in my head that bark about                                                                   , for all the wrong reasons what they’re saying is extremely fucking false. they say it’s:

ahh cake-trim astro-turf

emptyyah band-aid box

sort of knowing

dont worry – it will only last 250 milliseconds. you say that a fancy science book told you that. but ever since these apes started getting their kicks off of a screen – worse, off of reading ambling lines of provocative prose – fakery is the norm

50 things I’d like to know about

didn’t plan on writing this & will simply type as quickly as possible

  1. The names, basic character traits, and small happenings of my neighbors (or folks within a few-blocks-radius)
  2. What the fuck over-easy over-hard sunny-side-up etc. means with eggs. But do I really care to know that? Not really
  3. neuropsychoimmunology
  4. how people think
  5. whether or not i’m the type of person who would fuck up with power tools (slice an arm off), or be skilled with them (masterful craftsperson), or just some unremarkable middle version of those things
  6. what’s up with theatre- and performance-related behaviors
  7. how to quit eating meat
  8. about this strange-tendency-to-almost-communicate-with-nonhuman-animals (EG cat can be prompted to come over/come, but not to do other things, why)
  9. how it feels to be physically addled with _______________ (shrapnel wounds, severe scarring, crohn’s, chronic mysterious unknown undiagnosed pain, bizarre allergies, a broken femur after a car accident, an issue with healthy eating, etc)
  10. drawing
  11. the lakes of tokyo
  12. the rivers of china
  13. the various greeneries of ireland
  14. the speculations that occur while swimming between Hawaiian islands
  15. what cartoonists think about when they’re drawing/rendering all those goddamned cartoons for movies. do they think about cartoons on their cigarette breaks & about cigarettes while drawing?
  16. how it feels to be a really good dancer
  17. how it feels to have 2 dogs at home who miss you a lot
  18. whatever happened with that airport/welcome home sign
  19. how street signs are made
  20. it’d be neat to know about these mathematician motherfuckers who are able to connect issues like the growth/division of tree branches with the hox genes that influence embryonic development, i mean what do those mathematician motherfuckers do for fun? play bridge? go on hiking trips based out of their used Subarus? apply for tenure? What do they do?
  21. how to knit things
  22. how to be that ultimate overall survival-cool-badass-guy who can whittle knives out of sand and shit like that, even though deep down there’s probably a knowing that it’ll never be necessary
  23. proper dancing strategies
  24. whether or not i’m really interested in 100 different things
  25. the applicability of neuroscience studies
  26. footwork
  27. carving vs other aspects of striking
  28. basic newtonian mechanics & internalizing them
  29. how the fuck does mental math work?
  30. how would it feel to practice _________ religion?  how would people look at me if i believed ______________? If I wore _____________, signifying _________________?
  31. what sorts of funny mess-ups (or successes) have occurred in the unseen and unknown ERs of the world? has anyone ever made an IV out of a drinking straw?
  32. How old the average person is when they learn how to cite APA/harvard/MLA style etc. without consulting google. On second thought, maybe the average person never learns these things
  33. how it feels to really travel
  34. what the maintenance guys who painted the apartment hallways thought about while they were painting
  35. why my arm itches so badly right now
  36. whether or not the strong compulsion to have a career related to pharmacology / microbiology / molecular neuroscience will be fruitful. is the specific material dance of biochemical happenings going to lead to helpful insights? is it better to just have friends/colleagues/who work in that area?
  37. if bruce lee were still alive……just, i mean, what if? (sigh) that’d be neat
  38. what does dr. dre think about when he’s pissed off? does he have a lot of alone time?
  39. what makes a good writer? is it a danger to even ask?
  40. which crazy motherfucker was the first one to hop on a horse & just be like, “hey, let’s ride”
  41. are there review boards that assess/test the tastes of vodka? what are the qualifications for being on such a board, and on average, what is the makeup of vodka taste-testers?
  42. how would it feel to be 22 years deep into a life sentence at a federal prison, & still not be 40 years old, & to spend 23 hours a day in a tiny cage? which moments would feel peaceful?
  43. who just facebook messaged me?
  44. What’s it like to set & achieve a 10-year goal? a 20-year goal?
  45. What’re the ways to best support others in achieving their 10-year goals? 20-year goals?
  46. What’re the ways to best be there & support others who don’t / will never achieve their 10-year goals? 20-year goals ?
  47. Now that I can make my own sorbet, how long til I’m dead?
  48. what’s with limbic systems? crying & laughing have a weird amount in common. It’s like a rubber band stretching too far & snapping back into place – a teeter totter smacking into the ground. the teeter totter is itself a 3d object that when viewed from the side pretty much forms a line, tilting back and forth upon a center point. one might look at this line in front of them & imagine that there is a graph, with this line superimposed on it. when the teeter totter is perfectly balanced the line runs left-right, and when the teeter totter is tipping the line is tipping along the axes (say the center point of the teeter-totter is at (0,3) and the teeter totter is exactly 10 units long. when you consider laughing & crying you’ll notice that they take place during extreme mood states & that often, though not always, they are followed by a mood state that is less extreme or closer to baseline. examples of this might include – the way that extreme laughter due to a joke, tickling, built-up tension, simmering awkwardness, or actual discomfort eventually dispels itself and leads back to a real calm. other examples might include – that calm, semi-orgasmic feeling after a serious cry. let’s think less about what crying/laughter means culturally & more about what it means inside your fleshsack – your heart rate is increasing, you’re heaving, convulsing, & your eyes are leaking. whether it’s a friend stabbing at your armpits with a tickly finger or a friendly uppercut to the same area, the average human will avoid allowing un-boned and un-skinned tissues to potential forces. tickling looks a lot like a pain response, is what i’m getting at. what’s about that? why does the extreme limbic state – that of panic, anxiety, crying – feel so much like that WHACK on your ass on the teeter totter – that which pushes you back, more forcefully than before, into a baseline? I would go as far to say that the limbic momentum leading into a cry does predict & have an influence on the speed & nature of the bounce-back. so, when a fit of crying-due-to-laughter comes on QUICKLY & sharply, or a fit of crying-due-to-sadness comes on slowly and chronically, the come-down from those experiences is (respectively) similar. Why? If we took the slope of the teeter totter in the aforementioned graph (assuming the teeter totter bounces/stops when its endpoints strike the x-axis) it would vary between +3/4 and -3/4. let’s say the change in slope over time is predictive of the limbic response – so, say, the teeter totter starts tipped. we can say the left half is tipped/touching the ground in this example. when it bounce up to baseline the slope changes – from +3/4 to 0. it just seems that the feedback limiting one’s crying/laughing to a certain point has a fulcrum, & that it must be biological. folks with mood issues & poor regulation of their limbic systems might have unbalanced teeter totters – overly-slippery in mania, overly-rusted in depression-etc. what’s with that? I’d like to know why tickling/pain responses seem so similar, and how people differ in having accelerated/fast or delayed/slow limbic responses to events. It just seems so weird, that laughing/crying similarity.
  49. how many youtube videos about karate do i have to watch before becoming, yknow, like a really tough guy?
  50. what’s the difference between me and you? (about five bank accounts, 3 ounces, and 2 vehicles)

I knew not to stand up

but I stood up anyways.

I knew not to feed the cats

but I fed them anyways.

I knew not to take my meds

but I took them anyways.

I knew I should smoke (instead of resisting),

but I resisted anyways.

I knew not to stay awake

but I stayed awake anyways.

I knew not to eat breakfast

but I ate breakfast anyways.

I knew not to exercise

but I exercised anyways.

I knew not to shower

but I showered anyways.

I knew not to shower or shave

but I showered and shaved really well anyways.

I knew not to go to class

but I went to class anyways.

I knew not to stay in class

but I stayed in class anyways.

I know that after all of this I’m not supposed to feel shitty

but after all of this I feel shitty anyways.

Playing with Clay

Even dancers can’t dance like he did. Sometimes, especially lately, his words go buzzing between my ears. “The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.” This video is really pretty. The smack of the gloves at 1:07 is the most electrifying feeling on earth. I hope everyone, in their busy lives and busy worlds, has their own way of feeling that smack

 

 

getting the ball rolling

or, How to Turn Gloomy Nothingness into Motivation**

  1. Focus
  2. Set a sleep schedule. Stick to the sleep schedule.
  3. If all seems lost, do 100 jumping jacks and 10 push-ups
  4. Eat. Eat well.
  5. Write, but don’t write aimlessly. Don’t. Write. Aimlessly. This is not time to let loose with the pen & paper (or keyboard), or to journal about your fucking feelings, or to think up how you haven’t thought up anything yet. This is time to get regular. Write at scheduled times each day: within a few minutes after waking up, after meals, before bed.There are two genres of writing you must commit to in order to go from a state of gloomy nothingness to one of healthy motivation.5a) Write down the time you wake up (to the minute: e.g. what time exactly you stand up), what you eat/drink/ingest/intoxicate yourself with, what medications you take, and the forms of exercise you get. Writing these down each day will give you the first clear and undeniable suggestion of any bullshit you’ve been allowing yourself to get up to: sleeping in, enjoying 4 boxes of Milk Duds for breakfast several days a week, etc.
    5b) Write about your most extreme moods and prevalent thoughts. Don’t write whatever the fuck you want about them, though: don’t write aimlessly. When you write about your most extreme moods and prevalent thoughts do so in a detached way, with your intent being only to offer a memorable record to a future version of you who will be reading your day’s notes. Write about how the mood or thought came on, the content of your conscious awareness during that time, and any other relevant information. Then stop writing. Though unrewarding in the moment and tedious (combined with the genre you’ve already mastered in part 5a it will seem like you are just churning out streams of data) this style of bookkeeping will eventually form a long list of your experiences during your shittiest moments.You now have 2 small books about yourself. The first small book (writing style described in 5a), for those of us who frequently stray from our regular schedule and needs, can offer a simple and brutally honest assessment of one’s daily habits, and therefore the first steps on a route to a more motivated state of being. But when all systems are go and the vehicle is still stuck, meaning that one’s lifestyle is relatively clean but one’s outlook is still relatively filthy, the second small book (writing style described in 5b) becomes more valuable. This description of extreme experiences will offer the second, third, fourth, and fifth steps on a route towards a more specific understanding of the barriers to a more motivated state of being.

    It is extremely important for depressed people to become Writers of these two documents and to also review their writings daily.  These ever-growing documents will give you your one and only chance to more simply articulate your patterns of being and find the weak points at which to strike remaining controllable causes of your depressed mood. Should you choose to sit there and word-vomit with your writing during a depressive phase that is up to you. As for me, the mere sight and smell of my acidic unfiltered feelings spilling onto the floor, only to dry out and be-revisited over and over, doesn’t do much good. You can make your writing fun and creative in other ways: keep a journal for writing type 5a, and a separate journal for writing type 5b. Type them up into cute .pdfs and see if the extreme moods correlate with any lifestyle habits. Go buy yourself a trophy when you discover the basics. Use a special pen to write about your gloomy thoughts. Throw some stickers on that shit. Whatever floats your boat.

  6. Laugh ten times a day. No subject is off limits, just get yourself an ab workout via the giggles.
  7. Chill
  8. Meditate with supervision. Real-life human supervision.
  9. You’ve gotten this far and still feel shitty, so let me ask you this: have you told anyone that your ball has stopped rolling? Find someone to give you a push.

 

**the suggested application of these tactics comes with the assumption that you are under regular supervision and treatment by a competent psychiatric care professional who can write prescriptions. if you aren’t doing that there’s a good reason you still feel shitty.