the certainty of your goodness

sleeves

snotted down blanket

chewed up counselor

bringing, wringing, bwrought. potatoes and stuff for samosas. a time machine. yourself. September nouns transition-word-ing into February nouns. if you count the poem in these syllables, something will happen

pause

clench

Stole two organ donor eyes to organize my disses. Now there’s no insight in-sight, diss-organized, Mrs.

me and I miss

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got gamma?

whe e’s the  ? . What?

she’s unde  the back ti e

tie-what? …. ti-e e

What a e you saying? … TI-E

Tie he  with what? . TI-E

 

& on they kept d iving, all 3 of them chewing on the backs of cheap bic pens. Though unimpo tant it is wo th noting that on What a e you saying?, at that ve y moment, a bog da ked. When kaleidoscope all  oux bee jam eyes. Don’t fu  ow you  b ow ove  it

 

two deep breaths

followed by the first real d e e  p   b     r        e             a                     t                                  h

pulling onto two pant-legs like the opposites of ripcords that will flexion the parachute you folded yourself,

but maybe not skillfully,

mostly through             browser tabs.

here’s to the creepy guys who square their hips towards the middle of rooms and bark about how the best defense is a good offense, for all the wrong reasons what they’re saying is true, and here’s to the trivial sounds that i hear in my head that bark about                                                                   , for all the wrong reasons what they’re saying is extremely fucking wrong.

ahh cake-trim astro-turf

emptyyah band-aid box

sort of knowing

will only last about 250ms.

you say that a fancy science book told you that. but ever since these apes started getting their kicks off of a screen – worse, off of reading ambling lines of provocative prose – fakery is the norm. did you’re wait unplant it sell foo when Uri ptyore legsup?

 

by the way, none of this was meant to give the impression that your opponent would succeed. what I want you to do is throw the punch and go all out. this is what you’ve been coming to the Y and practicing in class for. remember the jab we talked about. i’ve got the bag – now think about his face – lose out body those deep breaths –

         jab

50 things I’d like to know about

didn’t plan on writing this & will simply type as quickly as possible

  1. The names, basic character traits, and small happenings of my neighbors (or folks within a few-blocks-radius)
  2. What the fuck over-easy over-hard sunny-side-up etc. means with eggs. But do I really care to know that? Not really
  3. neuropsychoimmunology
  4. how people think
  5. whether or not i’m the type of person who would fuck up with power tools (slice an arm off), or be skilled with them (masterful craftsperson), or just some unremarkable middle version of those things
  6. what’s up with theatre- and performance-related behaviors
  7. how to quit eating meat
  8. about this strange-tendency-to-almost-communicate-with-nonhuman-animals (EG cat can be prompted to come over/come, but not to do other things, why)
  9. how it feels to be physically addled with _______________ (shrapnel wounds, severe scarring, crohn’s, chronic mysterious unknown undiagnosed pain, bizarre allergies, a broken femur after a car accident, an issue with healthy eating, etc)
  10. drawing
  11. the lakes of tokyo
  12. the rivers of china
  13. the various greeneries of ireland
  14. the speculations that occur while swimming between Hawaiian islands
  15. what cartoonists think about when they’re drawing/rendering all those goddamned cartoons for movies. do they think about cartoons on their cigarette breaks & about cigarettes while drawing?
  16. how it feels to be a really good dancer
  17. how it feels to have 2 dogs at home who miss you a lot
  18. whatever happened with that airport/welcome home sign
  19. how street signs are made
  20. it’d be neat to know about these mathematician motherfuckers who are able to connect issues like the growth/division of tree branches with the hox genes that influence embryonic development, i mean what do those mathematician motherfuckers do for fun? play bridge? go on hiking trips based out of their used Subarus? apply for tenure? What do they do?
  21. how to knit things
  22. how to be that ultimate overall survival-cool-badass-guy who can whittle knives out of sand and shit like that, even though deep down there’s probably a knowing that it’ll never be necessary
  23. proper dancing strategies
  24. whether or not i’m really interested in 100 different things
  25. the applicability of neuroscience studies
  26. footwork
  27. carving vs other aspects of striking
  28. basic newtonian mechanics & internalizing them
  29. how the fuck does mental math work?
  30. how would it feel to practice _________ religion?  how would people look at me if i believed ______________? If I wore _____________, signifying _________________?
  31. what sorts of funny mess-ups (or successes) have occurred in the unseen and unknown ERs of the world? has anyone ever made an IV out of a drinking straw?
  32. How old the average person is when they learn how to cite APA/harvard/MLA style etc. without consulting google. On second thought, maybe the average person never learns these things
  33. how it feels to really travel
  34. what the maintenance guys who painted the apartment hallways thought about while they were painting
  35. why my arm itches so badly right now
  36. whether or not the strong compulsion to have a career related to pharmacology / microbiology / molecular neuroscience will be fruitful. is the specific material dance of biochemical happenings going to lead to helpful insights? is it better to just have friends/colleagues/who work in that area?
  37. if bruce lee were still alive……just, i mean, what if? (sigh) that’d be neat
  38. what does dr. dre think about when he’s pissed off? does he have a lot of alone time?
  39. what makes a good writer? is it a danger to even ask?
  40. which crazy motherfucker was the first one to hop on a horse & just be like, “hey, let’s ride”
  41. are there review boards that assess/test the tastes of vodka? what are the qualifications for being on such a board, and on average, what is the makeup of vodka taste-testers?
  42. how would it feel to be 22 years deep into a life sentence at a federal prison, & still not be 40 years old, & to spend 23 hours a day in a tiny cage? which moments would feel peaceful?
  43. who just facebook messaged me?
  44. What’s it like to set & achieve a 10-year goal? a 20-year goal?
  45. What’re the ways to best support others in achieving their 10-year goals? 20-year goals?
  46. What’re the ways to best be there & support others who don’t / will never achieve their 10-year goals? 20-year goals ?
  47. Now that I can make my own sorbet, how long til I’m dead?
  48. what’s with limbic systems? crying & laughing have a weird amount in common. It’s like a rubber band stretching too far & snapping back into place – a teeter totter smacking into the ground. the teeter totter is itself a 3d object that when viewed from the side pretty much forms a line, tilting back and forth upon a center point. one might look at this line in front of them & imagine that there is a graph, with this line superimposed on it. when the teeter totter is perfectly balanced the line runs left-right, and when the teeter totter is tipping the line is tipping along the axes (say the center point of the teeter-totter is at (0,3) and the teeter totter is exactly 10 units long. when you consider laughing & crying you’ll notice that they take place during extreme mood states & that often, though not always, they are followed by a mood state that is less extreme or closer to baseline. examples of this might include – the way that extreme laughter due to a joke, tickling, built-up tension, simmering awkwardness, or actual discomfort eventually dispels itself and leads back to a real calm. other examples might include – that calm, semi-orgasmic feeling after a serious cry. let’s think less about what crying/laughter means culturally & more about what it means inside your fleshsack – your heart rate is increasing, you’re heaving, convulsing, & your eyes are leaking. whether it’s a friend stabbing at your armpits with a tickly finger or a friendly uppercut to the same area, the average human will avoid allowing un-boned and un-skinned tissues to potential forces. tickling looks a lot like a pain response, is what i’m getting at. what’s about that? why does the extreme limbic state – that of panic, anxiety, crying – feel so much like that WHACK on your ass on the teeter totter – that which pushes you back, more forcefully than before, into a baseline? I would go as far to say that the limbic momentum leading into a cry does predict & have an influence on the speed & nature of the bounce-back. so, when a fit of crying-due-to-laughter comes on QUICKLY & sharply, or a fit of crying-due-to-sadness comes on slowly and chronically, the come-down from those experiences is (respectively) similar. Why? If we took the slope of the teeter totter in the aforementioned graph (assuming the teeter totter bounces/stops when its endpoints strike the x-axis) it would vary between +3/4 and -3/4. let’s say the change in slope over time is predictive of the limbic response – so, say, the teeter totter starts tipped. we can say the left half is tipped/touching the ground in this example. when it bounce up to baseline the slope changes – from +3/4 to 0. it just seems that the feedback limiting one’s crying/laughing to a certain point has a fulcrum, & that it must be biological. folks with mood issues & poor regulation of their limbic systems might have unbalanced teeter totters – overly-slippery in mania, overly-rusted in depression-etc. what’s with that? I’d like to know why tickling/pain responses seem so similar, and how people differ in having accelerated/fast or delayed/slow limbic responses to events. It just seems so weird, that laughing/crying similarity.
  49. how many youtube videos about karate do i have to watch before becoming, yknow, like a really tough guy?
  50. what’s the difference between me and you? (about five bank accounts, 3 ounces, and 2 vehicles)

The Optimist

While digging through a “Free Swap” area on campus I came upon a forcefully optimistic series of etchings laid out on some sort of a plaque situation

The Optimist Creed:

  • To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind
  • To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet,
  • To make all your friends feel that there is something in them,
  • To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true,
  • To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best
  • To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own
  • To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievement of the future
  • To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile
  • To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others
  • To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble

Neat. A swirl of reactions shared that space behind my eyes after I located and skimmed over this. One reaction tasted like Wow this is psycho this is brainwashing and another reaction had some sort of a Yeah but you need it, you sick fuck type of overtone. Grabbed the thing, brought it home and made a commitment to memorize it. Thought I’d elect one item on the list as a area to focus on (optimistically, of course) & choose another that seems to be going ok. On typing out the list one jumped out as urgently in need of work and it was less clear which item I’m doing best with. Following that I’m curious to find/post at least an article or two on the neural substrates of positive/negative thinking.

Urgently in need of work: To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize othersThis one screamed at me.

Doing best: Maybe To make all your friends feel that there is something in them, or To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future? The former case makes me smile because I think friends would have good things to say about that. The issue with the latter would be the hours spent daily ruminating about past/current failures. But the feedback I often get from adults is that in the long game I am overwhelmingly more resilient and future-focused than the other young folks they run into. The discrepancy between that externally-imposed feedback and the actual inner experience/introspective assessment is really jarring but hey, that’s psychology.


Materials & readings on optimism, pessimism, & associated neural bonanza:

Richie Unplugged: My #1 role model explains to you how and why to keep your mind right. Had to start with this

  • Bonus- no powerpoint or reading necessary

Richie, plugged back in: A lovely overview of ~current research taking place in the Davidson lab back home in Madison. You’ll note some brief descriptions of research under WELL-BEING & BEHAVIOR that seem to dig most closely towards this gem called optimism

  • This is a pile of summaries about what Richie is working on in Madison. If you’re not salivating upon reading those studies (just consider all the other thousands of studies being funded in the biomedical sciences) you might not be optimistic enough!

From the NYT: Turning negative thinkers into positive ones

  • Mentions some neat research by a researcher by the name of Barbara Fredrickson (creates new bookmark) who I haven’t heard of before.

Good summary (on Oprah’s website! Ayyye!) of the merits of choosing happiness, featuring a boatload of neuroscience references

  • The article mentions a David Lykken, PHD, here in Minnesota at the U. Haven’t heard of him until now – (adds new bookmark to Brainman folder) – eager to see what he’s about and if he’s around these days. Bad news – on looking the guy up turns out he passed 12 years ago. Oh well.
  • Make sure to scroll all the way down in this reading – it’s actually 5 full pages long but one can easily get the impression it stops when the first page stops.

The association between resting functional connectivity and dispositional optimism (Ran, J. Yang, W. Yang, Wei, J. Qiu, Zhang)

  • Haven’t read this one all the way through but not surprisingly the abstract mentions the vmPFC. Heck!!!

“What is Unrealistic Optimism?” (Jefferson, Bortolotti, Kuzmanovic)

  • Absolutely necessary adjunct reading for anyone getting too hyped, biased, or fundamentalist about optimism
  • Uses the term positive illusion as an umbrella term encompassing their defined notion of unrealistic optimism. Positive illusion would be/is my overall characterization of optimism but it seems these authors demarcate between optimism as being rational/a proper assessment of circumstances (no illusion here) and optimism sometimes being irrational/an improper assessment of circumstances (illusory).

 

Poetry challenge from MM: Delilah

Hey there, Delilah
What’re you like, perfect kitty?
I’m 200 miles away
But, cat, in pictures you look pretty
Yes, you do
Someday I swear I will meet you
I swear, it’s true
Hey there, Delilah
Someday you’ll also meet my kittens
We’re right here if you get lonely
If Maddie needs a kitty-sitter
Close your eyes
We’re just a ways, a brief car ride
We’re by your side
Meow, it’s what you do to me
Meow, it’s what you do to me
Meow, it’s what you do to me
Meow, it’s what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there, Delilah
I know the squirrels are all outside
But just believe me, cat
Someday you’ll be free and run and glide
You’ll have it good
You’ll kill the rabbits in the woods
Like predators should
Hey there, Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Were original – well, uh oh, hey…
My words aren’t true
I plagiarized this song for you
I’m sorry dude
Oh, it’s what you do to me
Oh, it’s what you do to me
Oh, it’s what you do to me
Oh, it’s what you do to me