Winter: 1 Ian: 14

At 2:20pm on Wednesday, January 31st of 2018 I lost my annual war with winter.

Winter is by far my favorite time of year: It’s the only season that one can have some privacy while outdoors. All of the programmed, voting normies pretty much go inside and focus on their petty tasks and organized delusions for the winter months, leaving the expansive snow-dappled city to the crows and squirrels and frigid silence. As long as the sun is gone and the temperature is low you can rightly expect ungrateful and unsturdy normies to be stuck indoors, lamenting the loss of the July heat and their unremarkable tans.

Yes: winter is a time to be outside by yourself, with yourself, & for yourself. I love winter not just because of the solitude but because of the fun: walking or driving in snow is like a video game set to medium-hard. Ice is like the fictional-frictionless surfaces you learned about back in your high school physics class – and the cold turns the whole world into an ultra-low-temperature chemistry set. There are real challenges and threats that a few people face during winter but for the most part, privileged normies have no place to whine.

If you feel down on winter, worry not – there are mental habits you can undertake in order to improve your mood and stop complaining about the weather. The only thing worse than shoveling a car out of the snow is listening to your neighbor complain about how they, too, had to shovel their car out of the snow. The way to enjoy winter is to make a game of it. Just 9 minutes ago I lost a round of my annual game-with-winter and although I’m ashamed I have dragged myself here to fess up and describe the loss.

 

Every winter I make a point not to slip on the ice and bust my ass. It sounds redundant but you’d be surprised how many people just walk along through a snowstorm as if nothing has changed on the ground. You gotta watch that shit. Whenever Mother Nature takes a swipe at me and causes me to slip I take note. Sometimes slips are big – sometimes they are little – or sometimes, *cue music* they are catastrophic. To me a noteworthy slip is when both of your feet leave the ground. The game is this: to count how many times you experience a noteworthy slip over the course of winter, to count how many times your noteworthy slip turns into a fall, continuously tracking the values of each. Every time you experience a noteworthy slip and land safely back on your feet you earn one point. Every time you experience a noteworthy slip and fall back on your ass, Mother Nature earns one point. To me a victory in the game-with-winter is to have a perfect streak (for the entire season) with no falls. To that end I had experienced a total of 14 noteworthy slips this winter until I experienced #15 outside just now. But #15 was different – I had just placed a chair in the snowbank in front of my house so that a passerby might grab it. I turned around and jumped onto the walkway leading up to my house – landing on my right foot- and immediately my bottom half flew out from under me.

“SHIT!” I landed on my right hip, right knee, and right hand. Stood up – with a massive and begrudging smile – “You’ve got me, ok? Fair and square, ya got me.”

Instead of 15-0 I was suddenly 14-1. No doubt an admirable score, but still a losing one. And it’s only 1/31/2018! She got me pretty good this year but I’ll be back for more next year!